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YOU ONLY GET ONE LIFE, AND IT’S SHORT, SO TAKE IT BY THE BALLS….

(Life may be short, but this post is not. I do have a point, though. Please bear with me, as I have a lot to say tonight.)

 

I’ve had quite a few people join my page(s) recently, so I thought it must be about time I (re)introduce myself, as it’s been awhile.

So I’m Nikki. 36, live in Tauranga with The Hubbs, and 2 kids. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, been overweight since my very early

20’s and had body image issues for as long as I can remember. They aren’t fun.

So I was chubby as a preteen. Had some relatives tell me I was fat on more than one occasion, although by then I had slimmed down somewhat. It was enough to stick with me from then on, and although it is not the WHOLE reason for my issues, I’m certain it is where they began. In 7th Form (Year 13 these days), I discovered boys, and between than and missing most of the year due to Glandular Fever, lost about 12 kg, getting me down to 55 kg. I was convinced that wasn’t enough and that I was so fat and needed to lose more. I never actually did, because, well, food. But that didn’t stop the voice in my head telling me how fat and worthless I was. Somehow the voice in my head still couldn’t stop the other voice that kept telling me to keep eating. How does that even work?

I always come back to this photo. I was convinced I was massive. I think I was about 6th or 7th form, inside I hated myself SO much. It makes me sad now to look back at it.

Age 18 I met this pretty awesome guy who is now my husband, 17 years later. I gained a bit of weight in the early part of our relationship, getting up to 89 kg. Then he moved to Auckland while I stayed here(that’s not why he moved though!), in Tauranga, and we did the weekend relationship thing while he was studying. While he was gone, I went hard on the diet and exercise and lost 10 ish kg pretty quickly.

Then I followed him to Auckland, it was all over, Rover. Takeaways most nights, bugger all exercise, big parties that took days to recover from. I went back up to 89 kg and then some, super fast. I lived in Auckland 18 or so months, only liked it during the weekends, and we decided Tauranga is home, and we came back.

Weight went up and down over the next few years, by our 6 year “together” Anniversary, he proposed and I spent the next 12 months desperately losing weight, with the help of a Personal Trainer, getting down to 78kg by our Wedding Day. I wasn’t happy with this weight, but I worked so hard to get that far, and I was happy with how I did.

One of the first selfies I ever took. Don’t think I even had a selfie cam!! My Dexter-Bear. Proudest new mama, ever.

Then married life ensued, then pregnancy. I was 86 kg when I got pregnant and after our son was born, I got down to 80 kg quite quickly. I think I even dipped just under 80 kg for awhile, but it didn’t last.

Miss Amber. The baby that turned our lives upside down in the most beautiful, high spirited way.

Pregnancy #2 with our daughter, and I started at 94 kg. Not a great number AT ALL. I felt disgusting before I even gained any baby weight, and I was SO unfit.

My 2 crazy kids today (they don’t always look like this, it was Funky Hair Day)

Through all these years, since the Glandular Fever, my tiredness and poor health was always there, but never a major issue. After our daughter was born, though, the weight came off super slowly, I was always exhausted (yes, I had a baby and a 3 year old, but this was more than that), and the PAIN… ahhh the pain was terrible. Through various injuries I have a pretty dodgy back, but since the second pregnancy, everything hurt, all the time. I was put on first Amitriptyline, which did nothing for pain management, but did make me pretty mellow, the possibility I also had some undiagnosed PND was discussed, then after that we tried Citalopram……

Now I’m sure many have used this and had great results, but not me. Not at all. I turned into a PSYCHO. I was absolutely nuts. My poor husband, I don’t know how he didn’t leave me. Maybe because of the kids, maybe because he knew it wasn’t “me” being such a bitch. And on top of that, it never did ANYTHING for the pain side of things, so on some advice from some friends in the health industry, I weaned myself off them. Super slowly, but OOOOOOMG, it is AWFUL to come off. I was worse coming off than when I was on them!! It was horrible and not something I want to ever go through again. I remember it about this time every year, because I stupidly decided to start coming off them between Christmas and New Year, and I’m well aware I ruined our first New Years Eve/Holiday as a family of 4, all by myself.

So since then, about the last 5 years, I’ve been pain relief free, except for panadol. I can’t take nurofen, asprin, disprin, oral voltarens or any other anti inflammatories, as I have lesions on my brain and right eye that are a bleed risk. (That’s a whole other story, for another day.)

I’d like to say it’s been easy, but shit, it hasn’t. It’s been fucking awful and I don’t broadcast a lot of it. Hubby and my parents bore a lot of my complaints but other than that only a few close friends hear much about it usually, and even then, not much. Massive amounts of tiredness, pain all over my body, going quite nutso etc. And the weight gain…. I got up to 96.6 kg at my heaviest non-pregnant weight. I’ve had every blood test under the sun, and nothing ever comes back, besides high inflammation markers, which can be anything. It’s frustrating and depressing, feeling like a fucking failure.

I’m sure a lot of people look at me and think I’m just lazy and don’t even try, but I’m really not, and holy crap, I do try. But every time I get into a good exercise programme, I get run down and sick or injured. I can do the bare minimum and when I go out and do heaps, I get sick. Every fricken time. But I still do it because I love it. Then take ages to recover. And the food side. I’m sure so many of you can relate to the “I hate myself, I”m gonna eat some **insert trash food here**… Oh I’m fat, I shouldn’t have eaten that, stupid pig… eating will make me feel better…. FUCK… it really didn’t…

On top of all this, I really struggle to lose weight. I can be totally committed, exercise heaps, eat perfectly, and all I get is run down and sick, no weight loss, maybe a kg if I’m lucky.

I decided at the beginning of this year, it would be the year I take back control of my health and injuries. I’ve had heaps of physio, I’m pleased to say with HEAPS of strengthening work, although it will never be “fixed”, by strengthening it and regular massage, it is improving. I’ve been hounding the GP about my health, although not for awhile, the last visit it came out that on top of everything else, I also have Pre Diabetes, so another reason to kick myself up the ass and make sure I eat better. Fibromyalgia has been thrown around, though as it is one of those things that they diagnose only after EVERYTHING else is ruled out, there’s no official “test” for it, so it’s never been officially noted, though I meet pretty much all the categories.

Mental Well Being is a huge part of it. Last years goal was to work on my head space. No weight loss. Just head mess. That was a fricken mission and a half. I had to completely put aside any notions of weight loss, and focus on feeling happier. It wasn’t easy, it was most definitely not fun, but I came out the other end a bit more balanced and no so full of head-fuckery. I still have my moments, it’s a work in progress, but I can feel myself getting healthier in the head. I do hope that others, especially my long suffering hubby, can see the gradual improvements.

At this point – I am much heavier than I would like, but by VERY gradually increasing my exercise, being nicer to myself, taking CARE of myself, working to fix old injuries, I can feel the old me coming back. She’s taking her sweet time, but regardless of weight, I’m getting healthier and much fitter and stronger.

Throughout all of this, I studied Fitness Instruction, Weight Loss Coaching (I know, ironic, right?), and Personal Training. I completed the first 2, the 3rd I completed the course, the theory test and practical hours, but had some things come up in life that postponed my from doing the practical test and eventually everything lapsed and I never finished the course to get that pesky piece of paper. Doesn’t change my knowledge of course, or the results my current clients are getting, and I aim to eventually re do the course and come out with the qualification at the end this time.

So that’s a bit of my history. If you’re still reading, well done. All of this is why I set up MisFIT NZ last year. I want to be fitter, smaller, healthier etc, but I don’t want the focus to be on weight loss. I want it to be on the whole of your lifestyle. Why just lose weight if you are miserable, unfit, injured etc. Which would you chose? To be happier, have more time for yourself and your loved ones, have more sex, more energy, more time on this earth, AND lose some weight?

Or to just be a hot bitch in a bikini?

I know what I choose. Why put all that energy into losing weight if you hate yourself when you get there? And, for the record, anyone can wear a bikini. Just chuck that thing on and rock it……

Yeah… I’m still working on that one, too. I’m up to a one piece on a quiet day at the pools. It’s a long way from long baggy boardies and a tshirt like last year.

So if you would like to work with a chick that actually really does GET IT. Who has been there, and still is, and is on her own journey alongside you, body image issues, health issues, the lot, why not flick me a message? I can work face to face with you if you are in Tauranga, or I run online programmes, open to ladies anywhere in NZ.

I understand the struggles of losing weight, being a mum, working. Trying to do it all. What’s the first thing that always takes a back seat?

Your own health?

Maybe it’s time to change that. If you are happier and fitter and healthier, aren’t you going to be a much happier mum/wife/human being to be around anyway?

To work with me, or to find out more, you can either go here – https://misfitnz.co.nz/shop or you can contact me here – https://misfitnz.co.nz/contact-me/

My Facebook page is www.facebook.com/misfitnz but if you would like to instead/also follow my own personal journey, it is here – www.facebook.com/fattygoesbyebye

Would love to see new friendly faces on both pages!

That’s more than enough waffle from me, congrats if you read right through to here!

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